Thursday, January 27, 2011
The Race
Spectators in the stands buzz with anticipation and roar as their favorite sprinters, clad in the colors of their country, are announced for the 100 meter dash. The vibration from the stands, the glare of the lights, the cool voice of the starter with his cap and gun, the clink of track spikes on the red track; all blissfully calming sounds for the veteran who has seen and felt all this throughout his storied career. The veteran has raced and won against record holders but knows that no man outruns Father Time, knows that the aches and pains that run through his body even now are painful reminders of his pending retirement. But as the starter commands the field to get ready, the hum in the stadium subsides into a perfect silence until the only sound is the veteran's heart, pounding as if it'll burst at any second. The cool breeze, the softness of the track, and the beat of his heart; this is the time for pain, for prestige, for an old lion to roar gloriously one last time.
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A race (an event) is being described here. The writer did bring the event to life for me. I especially could interpret and feel the emotion coming from this sentence: The veteran's heart is pounding as he goes into his starting position, pounding as if it'll burst at any second. The piece caused me to feel a sense of relief and excitement for the runner. My favorite mental image is the description of the environment (the stands, lights, etc.) I would maybe cut out some of the descriptive sentences about the race itself, but other than that I think the paragraph is a successful enargeia.
ReplyDeleteGreat Post! The race describes not a race in the abstract or writ-large but the specific feeling of a veteran's last race, right before it begins. It evokes the somewhat contradictory emotion one would feel before competing in the last event of a well crafted career. It emits feelings of both nervousness and anxiety but not in a pure state, but rather flowing in and out of emotions of bliss and contentment. I think that it would be to your benefit if you rearranged the order of some of the sentences, so that the more atmospheric and less descriptive sentences are what hits you first.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence about "The vibration from the stands, the glare of the lights, the cool voice of the starter...the clink of trackspikes on the red track" is an especially moving series of associations and sensorial description. I would suggest expanding upon this sort of language; for example you could also intertwine what the announcers cool voice is saying in order to create a progression of emotional feelings, the rises and falls as one gets completely set before the race. Perhaps take out some of the language that is used as the beginning which just sort of gives information or psychological analysis of cognitive interpretation of the event, and focus more on the different structures of feeling that the moment entails.
The piece definitely makes me feel the tear that seems to split the subject. While on one hand he feels cool and collected, happy that he will go out of his career riding the waves of victory there are also emotions that pull and tug on the strings of regret, that this will be the last race in his life. I love the line "no man outruns Father Time" coupled with the descriptions of growing pains and old age. It embraces the fleeting nature of the event to provoke a feeling of finitude and yet freedom simultaneously.
I think a way to improve this piece could be illustrated by the line "the veteran is conscious of nothing except the cool breeze, the softness of the track, and the beat of his heart." I think if you took out the part telling us explicitly "the veteran is conscious of nothing but" and just used the images of what he is and is not conscious of the piece would be more powerful overall.